The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
