I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
