They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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