If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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