There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
