Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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