I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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