i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
