Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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