I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
