sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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