he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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