Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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