My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize