I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
