I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
