I met the friendliest cop last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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