She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
