you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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