dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
