How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
