I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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