I just pynch a tree in the face
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
