My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
