people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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