Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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