I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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