Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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