Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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