I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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