Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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