I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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