I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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