i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
