i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
