If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
