just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
