Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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