Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize