I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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