something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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