He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
