He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
