He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
