You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
