I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
