Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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