Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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