i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
