Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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