There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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