I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
