hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
