I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
