I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
