I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize