my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize