For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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