you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
