some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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