Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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