Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
