I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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